Feb 18 - Life's ongoing challenges

I've given up counting days. I never have been one to stick to the facts. It just ain't my style I guess. It's funny how throughout this cleansing/healing process a day where I feel really good is often followed by a day where I feel really low. Today is one of the latter. My low days also seem to correspond with the day after I run up against criticism or conflict with someone regarding my health decisions. Funny...I don't want to be so sensitive to the comments and opinions of others, and yet even when I feel mentally strong in my choices, my physical sensations always give away how worn out I am after defending myself to the world. Maybe it's because I don't have a large reserve of energy built up yet. Or because I still feel fragile after a year of essentially hiding in my little cottage, contact with the outer world being far too intense for my battered body and soul

I've always liked to think of myself as one tough cookie (if you'll excuse the lame expression). You know: jumpin' on the back of a horse, totin' a big gun (or camera), ridin' into the mountains and survivin' off of roughage for months alone. The truth that I'm slowly beginning to admit is that, though I have a strong will and would never describe myself as wimpy, I am a very soft person. For a few months in the fall I was practicing Qi Gong with a group here in Victoria and my instructor at one point compared me and another girl, saying we paired well because she was so Yang and I was so Yin. I was shocked. Yin, me? A girl? Really? When I started thinking about this I realized how much more feminine I am than I have ever admitted. That got me thinking: How do you navigate this world as a woman when you don't fit into the "girly" category, as in I don't purr for large muscly men and I'm really not into being chatted up at a bar...and yet I'm not a "tomboy" either. But then again, what the hell do those labels mean anyways?

Ok...where am I going with this? My point is that I have been thinking about how, having been raised in a household with strong feminist beliefs, having been told that being a woman no longer restricts my choices in life, having grown up traveling alone, fending for myself and in the end working my ass off to prove that I don't need nobody...how do I marry that with the fact that I love to knit, get the utmost pleasure out of feeding just about anything, and really love it when I'm sitting inside creating something while there's a man outside my window chopping wood? Am I just recreating a society drawn female cliche? Are daughters of feminists aloud to keep house? Have we gone so far to prove that we're as strong and tough as the men that we're literally making ourselves sick? I am not the only woman my age I know in a cycle of some sort of burnout. In fact, I am thinking of starting a support group for women who have fallen into this gray area of creative, highly intelligent and intensely sensitive souls. Women full of passion and good intent, but living in what is still a patriarchal driven society that does not support a yin way of life. Is it any surprise that all things yin seem to be making a comeback? Yin yoga, slow food, process vs. the final goal. I spent four years at art school trying to peel the layers of my thoughts about this subject. And do you know how I did this? By working twelve hours a day, six days a week, non-stop until I was so tired it has taken me a year to get some semblance of strength back.

Ok, this entry has somewhat strayed from the subject of juice. But I think it's okay because what we're talking about is another side of creating total health. These are the deeper challenges of creating lasting health and a lifestyle that will support that, regardless of how we are constantly push push pushed. I am finding that being out in the world and maintaining a flow of love and balance is Much more difficult when I'm not hiding in a cottage or running to live in the mountains. But I'm determined not to give up. I believe in us sensitive yin folk, both women and men! I say it's time for the intuitive, creative types to take a stand, I mean look at the world, the other way is really not working out for us.

And my first step? Acknowledging that yes, I am feminine. I am soft and can be gentle and sometimes need to move slowly. I do feel it deeply when I am criticized, but that doesn't mean I'm wimpy or that I will give up. And I am strong. Strong and bold and ready to be an active and giving part of society.

Oh god. Is this entry my new manifesto or something? We're all going to be holding hands and singing songs in a minute. No really, I won't let that happen. That was my mother's generation. Even though I've outed my femininity it doesn't mean that I don't still love to jump on a horse and ride up the side of a mountain with a gun strapped to my saddle.

This is my Monday self portrait.
Hawaii in three days,
I had to get some sunglasses!
Love and warmth to all.
May we all be exactly as we are...
for at least a few moments every day.